January, 2021

2021 has just started but my mental for this year has been pretty bad. It’s been hard, so far. I don’t know what makes me got trigger that much but I often feel sad without knowing the reason why I cry. I tried myself to keep my mental health to be good to be true but not gonna lie, it is quite hard too.

Perhaps this stay-at-home and college hasn’t started yet and I need to go back to Malang (which means I am separated with my family) makes me devastatedly sad, I don’t know what happen with me. The routines that on going right now in my life is, I am doing nothing. Actually during weekdays I am teaching, but it takes only 30 minutes to me to do that work and I am still have 23 hours and 30 minutes left to not know what should I do.

I am stuck on a labyrinth.

those stuck moment perhaps trigger me, my mental health being extremely low. I often push myself to do more and feel disappointed when i don’t do anything for the day. I keep doing journaling routine to make me help me to get through the day. It helps me, but it still not enough.

Last week I cried a lot, and I don’t know why. I keep asking myself what’s wrong with me? Am i feel tired? Am I feel exhausted of the routine? Am I overwhelmed by not doing anything? I couldn’t handle my tears, and knowing that I don’t know why I sad makes me more sad too. But then, for the first time in my life I told my friend, I called her, and feel better. I never been telling what I have been feeling at that moment i felt sad. but last week I truly need someone, and I am glad I called her.

Dear God, I don’t know what feeling that I have lately. It confuses me, the tears that I couldn’t hold makes me look pathetic, and to be very honest I hate it. I wish all the best for the live long, happily without me pushing myself too hard. I’ve been pushing myself that much because of pandemic, but turns out my mental been decreasing a lot, which I don’t want me to be depressed. Sadness bring the new version of joy, so I hope, this new version of joyness makes me see the new version of myself too. I will keep learning.

I am gonna try to find which way is the most suitable for me, although January will end pretty soon, I still have 11 more months to learn, re-learn, and un-learn. I will keep my progress.

Dear God, may 2021 be fulfilled by all good news that we have been waiting for a year.

Dear God, I sincerely thank you for all the bittersweet that you gave to me.

Dear God, please always reminds me to be grateful for everything.

The only way out of the labyrinth of suffering is to forgive.

-sincerely, vir. Malang 2021